| The Burglar's Dog 2006 Desk Calendar |
It's that time of year again. There's a chill in the air, a black cloud on the horizon, and the shoddy corporate trinkets are landing on office desks throughout the land. As 2005 draws to a close, desperate organisations the world over are hawking out the promotional cack, praying for custom, and hoping that a quid's worth of stationery will buy your favour for another twelve months. And The Burglar's Dog is no different.
This month we present for your usual indifference the Burglar's Dog 2006 Desk Calendar, showing at a glance the very essence of drinking in Newcastle upon Tyne, or indeed any other post-industrial backwater.
We've compiled some of the most telling images from nights out in the somethingth best party city in the world and are offering them to you free of charge, as a sleek desktop addition. Our calendar also makes an ideal gift or Christmas stocking filler, perfect for dishing out by those in jobs as thankless and poorly paid as ours.
Throughout the whole of 2006 you'll be able to glance away from your retina-wrecking screen and remind yourself of what you're funding by wasting your time in that appalling workplace. You'll see what you're reduced to in the search for enjoyment, because - while indiscriminate murder remains illegal - there is nothing else worth doing. And, as each page turns, you'll see your life, your hopes and all your young dreams slowly ebbing away.
Look at those scenes of alcohol-fuelled stupidity. This could - and probably will - be you.
Our calendar is jam-packed with middle-shelf images and is guaranteed to have absolutely no room to write anything because, let's face it, fuck all good is going to happen to you in 2006. But hey! at least our piss-poor layout means you won't notice the yawning chasms between the events you DO manage to pencil in, safe in the knowledge that you were only invited because nobody else wanted to be the biggest cunt at the party.
Here it is, then.
Instructions for assembly:
Click to download
Simply click any of the calendar pictures above, and the full-size images for your Burglar's Dog 2006 Desk Calendar will appear in a new window.
Take the insulting CD-style desk calendar doubtless already presented to you by your cheapskate employer or distant relative, and throw away the pictures of kittens or the pictorial representations of company values. You'll not be needing any of that shite. All you have to retain is the pristine clear plastic case, mainly because you'd struggle to download one of those from the internizzle, no matter how many megs your broadband is.
Print out the pages for your calendar using the most discreetly positioned colour printer accessible from your computer. We advise that you print one at a time, not for the nipple and censored-flange action, but because our research has shown that CD calendar cases are all fucking different sizes so you'll need to chop each printout to fit your scabby box, using the kitten picture you have just retrieved from the bin as a template.
Place the pages in consecutive order, starting with the front page, moving through the months and ending with the professional-looking back page (the one with all twelve images on), which should be flip-reversed so that the full array of bacchanalia can be clearly seen from behind.
Now gaze in awe upon your creation.
Fucking mint, isn't it? *
NB: If you can't be arsed with any of that - it is, after all, just another one of our tedious flash-in-the-pan concepts - the whole page can be printed as a rotten wall calendar, or you could just chop it all to bits and then staple the fucker together. Probably.
(* Well, we assume it's mint, but since our printer is knackered we have no way of testing it to find out. It could be an absolute parcel for all we know. Tell you what, though: if you have managed to get it to work, then please drop us a line using the Contact button above. Your feedback is helpful in calculating just how much more of our time we should waste cobbling together pathetic tat like this.)
Oh, and don't worry if you can't get your act together to assemble your calendar just yet: we'll still be pimping this dross until next Easter, believe us. That's how sad we are.
Disclaimer: while token effort has been taken to ensure that information contained in this product is correct, The Burglar's Dog cannot accept responsibility for bits we may have ballsed up at the cut & paste stage. What the fuck do you expect for nowt, like?