Announcing the new and improved Burglar's Dog! We're squeaky clean and panty-fresh! After a bewildering burst of energy and enthusiasm, plus many, many hours spent supping swill in abysmal bars just so you wouldn't have to, we can now proudly say that (at least some of) this mouldy, decaying venture has been dragged out from behind the fridge and into the clean spring air. We've painstakingly taken the precious heirloom reviews handed down from the Dog's beginnings, rubbed them with Cillit Bang, placed them carefully on a protected surface before walloping them with a hammer and sweeping the bits under the rug. And we will never stop until the dirt and shame is banished forever. Do you hear us?

Take a peek inside. You'll find literally dozens of new reviews of the old favourites that we ballsed up the first time round, plus a vague waft of the duster in the direction of many more. Witness the effort we've put in to bring the Dog to heel, and contemplate what it has done to us. Our backs are sore, our fingers rigid and our eyes are bleeding with the strain. But you'll never hear us complain. We've done this for you, because we love you.

Our aim is to make the Dog perfect, make it infallible, make it God's own home page if it's the last thing we ever do. And this, this half-arsed spring clean - complete with self-fellating front page feature - is just the start.

From this day forward the Dog is guaranteed to be more:

Cantankerous Obscene Pedantic

Pompous Deluded Wrong

We're certain you won't fail to be unimpressed: or your money back!

Bit of a weak feature, you're saying?

Well, fuck, it's been a quiet month.