News is reaching us of a devastating humanitarian crisis - which may have lain undiscovered by the outside world for some time - in the Bigg Market province of Newcastle. Initial reports tell of a disastrous funbar, measuring 8.9 on the Phuquemerigid scale, destroying everything in its vicinity and bringing widespread misery to all in its path. Inhabitants of the area battered by this calamity - named FIZZ by locals - are being forced to drink in unimaginably squalid conditions, with the risk of disease increasing with each passing hour. We need your help to ease the anguish and the inevitable violence that routinely follows such disasters. Act now. Your donations are urgently required to relieve the misery of people caught up in this catastrophe. Remember: Dogsfam is the gift that keeps on whingeing. Act NOW.

With your help we can soothe the pain of this tragedy. We can help to free teenage mums from the grip of blue WKD and return them to their abandoned offspring. We can end the tyranny of the drinking games. And if there's ever a fucking karaoke we can pull the plug on that, too. Help us to end this hardship, the blight on this planet we call Earth.


  

Donate now. Just...

£2 buys a box of blobs to prevent disease and unnecessary breeding
£5 buys a first aid kit. We anticipate the need for hundreds.
£7 buys a fucking COAT for subzero winter nights
£10 buys a bottle of brand-name spirits free of antifreeze
£12 buys a half-decent "Now That's What I Call..." CD
£15 buys a reputable post-pubescent babysitter
£19.99 buys a stab-proof sparkly halterneck
£235 + VAT buys a day's hire of a JCB and a driver without mercy

And remember: for every £1 donated to Dogsfam, we piss £1.20 against the wall.
Tick here if you wish us to reclaim tax of 22% from the Inland Revenue
And tick here if you're a dripping wet, pissyflapping, liberal, Birkenstocks-wearing cunt