April 2005 marks the fifth anniversary of the Burglar's Dog, and to commemorate this glorious event, we are offering the chance to purchase our prestigious limited edition collectable dinner plate, produced in association with Dogmint®. Each plate features the much-loved misshapen Burglar's Dog logo, and is emblazoned with the eye-catching headline from the Barking Dog page of "sugar my arsehole and call it a doughnut" in honour of the last time the site actually did a proper gay bar review, way, way back in the year 2000.

Hand-painted and smudged 100% osteoporosis bone china Certificate of authenticiticiticity Round Each plate is individually numbered in blue crayon and has both a top and a bottom.

Your commemorative plate will be produced here at our state of the art factory in a carefully managed enterprise zone. Hand-picked local craftspeople will work happily and tirelessly for competitive maquiladora rates to bring you your heirloom Your collector's piece will be configured using the very latest techniques in computer aided design. Dogmint's work-for-food ethic has been handed down through many generations of experienced, seasoned professionals.

To ensure that your appetite is thoroughly whetted before we cruelly and metaphorically whisk away the bone from your slavering chops, details of how to order, together with the insulting price of this dross, are at the very, very bottom of this page. Now read all this windy bollocks.

The Legend of the Dog The Burglar's Dog was born in April 2000 with the laughably po-faced aim of seriously reviewing each of Newcastle's bars, an aim quickly abandoned when it was realised that only a true arsehole's arsehole would even care a fig. Since then it has become increasingly shoddy, vulgar and antagonistic, and has been added to the "blocked sites" list of countless reputable employers throughout the region. Highlights have been few and far between, and it is to the Dog's eternal shame that so many hungover mornings have been wasted at the keyboard, so many harmful photographic chemicals have entered the environment, and so many expletives have been committed to screen for want of a worthwhile vocabulary. Here's to the next five years, when the Dog may finally grow up and find something more productive to do with its time. Who dares to dream what may happen between now and 2010? Will the world end? Will the sky fall down? Will the Egypt Cottage review ever be done?

The Burglar's Dog has at this special time joined forces with Dogmint, one of the world's leading manufacturers of fine china, and a familiar name to all collectors. Established in 1860, Dogmint's reputation for inferior workmanship and corner-cutting labour outsourcing remains unsurpassed. The bone china for your tacky souvenir is designed and lobbed into shape by some of the most highly regarded 0-5 age group artists working within the slave labour market today. Indeed, many of the bones for the china used in this addition to your shitty mantelpiece line-up were robbed from the unmarked factory-side graves of our artists' predecessors. We hope you will be satisfied with the suffering you have caused in extending your pathetic collection of tat. This item is guaranteed to be a useful addition to any domestic dispute, or a truly unique investment piece for the discerning collector who wishes to piss away the inheritance before the children get their grasping hands on it. As this is a strictly limited edition of 5000, early ordering and payment is of the highest importance. Do it now.

• You can order by telephone, simply by calling our order line on 0870 2000 2005 and requesting a 12" commemorative plate with extra cheese and chicken dippers.
• You can order by posting your completed order form. Simply attach a stamp and send.
• You can order in person, by handing your completed order form to the first bewildered stranger you meet in the street.
• And for all the chance you have of actually getting the bloody plate, you might as well order the fucker by carrier pigeon, too.

Each commemorative plate is individually produced using the patented "en masse" method and is hand-finished by pre-school children*. Please allow up to 13 years from your order date for delivery. We will pull a ludicrously optimistic delivery date out of thin air when your payment has cleared.

We anticipate a stratospherically high level of interest for this limited edition item from collectors and the terminally befuddled alike, so we would strongly recommend ordering now to avoid disappointment. Your valuable order will be personally delivered to your home by a Parkinson's-ridden butter-fingers on a pogo stick. In the unlikely event of your plate being anything more than tiny fragments by this point, it will then be hand-chiselled to fit your letterbox. There is naturally an exorbitant extra cost for this service.

* Dogmint can accept no responsibility for the failure of the ruling junta of our manufacturer's country to even allow children to attend school, let alone provide them with a worthwhile education.