Sorry seems to be the hardest word


It seems we upset a few of our cigarette smoking readers with our feature last month on the national smoking ban. We are truly sorry.

After all, although passive smoking may give us an increased risk of lung cancer, heart disease and asthma, we’ve hurt their feelings, and that’s far, far worse.

However, just to show there’s no animosity towards those poor, unfortunate, no-fault-of-their-own slaves to the weed, this month we’d like to propose a peace offering, in the shape of our patented Burglar’s Dog Smoker’s Hat.

Crafted using cutting edge technology and the most up-to-the-minute fashion manual, this charming chapeau is ideal for those lonely, weather-beaten moments on the pubside pavements to where smokers have now been banished.

And not only will this beautiful boater make them the envy of the stub-strewn steps, but we're giving it away free, gratis and for nothing. No more will smokers have to worry whether they can burn every fiver of their wages in three-inch lengths AND still afford appropriate clothing. Our stunning sou'wester is suitable for most climates1, and is fully guaranteed to give you a lifetime of protection2.


Instructions for smokers:

1) Simply click on the images below. The templates for your bonny bonnet will open in a new window.



2) Print out both pages on a paper size of your own choosing: A3 fits most adults, but if you’ve been a-puffin’ on the ciggies for long enough, you might be able to squeeze your shrunken skull into the A4 model.

3) Flip-reverse the pages so they’re back to back – with the printed sides showing – and glue or Sellotape them together around the edges.

4) Fold as shown below:



5) Stick it on your napper, and wear it with pride.


Instructions for non-smokers:

1) Have they gone? Jesus, the fucking breath.

2) And have you seen the state of her teeth? And his bloody fingernails?

3) Right: you offer that nutcase their seats.

4) I’ll rifle her bag and then run the rim of his pint through my sweaty oxter. The cunts’ll never notice.


Here's one we made earlier, lovingly displayed in both front and back projections.



Oh, and the answer to the question you are now asking yourself is b) "because we have fuck all else to do with our time."

Happy hackin'!

The Burglar's Dog

xxx



1 We cannot guarantee the waterproofnessness of your garment
2 Do not expose to naked flame