Mandatory! More pointless guff about Wayne Rooney's desperate grasping bird! Dumb as a box of rocks! Newcastle's thickest celebrities! Fucksake Fashion! Looking like a retard: Newcastle comes out top! Again!

HOT! Purple paint Brewed-under-licence slop 24 hour beats Yelling over the frigging DJ All day drinking Mini-skirts in the snow Arse-ache style-bible wankery £8 cocktails Looking like a cunt cos some hair magazine told you to Off-the-peg, snap 'n' fix, homogenised bollocks Bandwagoning Framing bits of the fucking wallpaper Some idiot offering to shake your drops off and sell you crack Faux-exotique nomenclature Niche clientele Being scowled at by "service executives" Stumbling around in the dark Brand recognition Duh-sh-duh-sh-duh-sh-duh-sh-duh-sh-c'mon and partayyy Pictures of Billie Holiday Being allowed to glass people as long as your shirt is expensive enough Wackiness Trampolines Cheeky vimto Rohypnol Tits oot Cut-price cocaine Utter berks A fast buck Drinking 'til you die Piss-poor pastiche Outright lies and denial Badly tinted dogs in red Hawaiian shirts This shit

...and NOT! The colours of the rainbow Genuine imported beers Songs Conversation 8 hours' sleep Appropriate outdoor clothing Comfortable seats A decent pint for a decent price Short back and sides Local identity Tradition Photography Lavatorial privacy The English language Punters Banter with the barmaid Getting safely from A to B with pint intact Alehouse individuality Getting to watch Final Score with the sound on Anything BY Billie Holiday The crime of wearing a Toon top Taste Dominoes A fine tawny port Romance Modesty Peanuts and pickled onions Interesting and well-informed human beings Respect for the customer Enough's enough Historical detail The goddamn truth The old Dog logo Intelligent comment