In the dying days of the Burglar's Dog, comes a spoof of those appalling cartoon strip adverts for the equally appalling Gate leisure complex. Well, we had to get round to it eventually. (More...)

The human body loses hairs at the rate of between 60 and 100 per day. It’s true. We looked it up. And although it is breaking what some might call the last taboo to discuss it, the hairs of the nether regions of the anatomy are included in that figure. Where do they go? Sure, the hairs on the head disappear into brushes and combs, or onto the shoulders of errant husbands in unlikely infidelity scenarios. But what about those from – y’know – down there? Safely into the skiddies, grundies and dung hampers of the nation, perhaps? Not so. (More...)

March: After what seems like an eternity, the boards hiding the redevelopment of Newcastle’s Old Eldon Square have finally been removed, and the fruits of many months of planning and even more of construction revealed to the patient public. What could be there, the world at large wondered as the vista was hidden from view. Which leisure conglomerate could step in to design the square’s new public house? What could possibly replace the George and Dragon? Could it be... A traditional pub like the triple award winning Newcastle Arms? Or a fall-apart-when-you-sneeze pastiche of glamour like the Tup Tup Palace? Or even another dreary Wetherspoon’s? (More...)

Welcome to the DogTV News At Ten. Trevor McDogald here, back on the nation’s flagship news programme with my supercilious manner and incomprehensible intonation. Allow my uniquely soporific delivery to gloss over the important events of the day, before my patronising wordplay enrages you just in time for your late night whiskey and perfunctory shot on the wife. I’m the man you turn over for if you want to make it to the end of Fiona Bruce’s bulletin on the BBC without popping your cork. Look at me. Have you ever seen a grislier fucktard on your screen? On tonight’s programme: (More...)

January 2008 already? (long pause) Really? (heavy sigh) Fuck. Look, we’ll be honest with you here. We had a shit Christmas, succumbing to each and every one of the godawful lurgee viruses that folks have been cheerfully coughing around in circles since mid-November. Consequently we haven’t been across the doors of a single boozer during the entire festive period, so if you’re looking for scathing put-downs of the latest additions to Newcastle’s drinking scene then we’re afraid it’s tough tits. We've been nowhere worth cussing out, not even the fucking Tup Tup Palace. (More...)

It’s that time of year once again. Multicoloured lights are blinking in the night skies, rush-hour transport is full of inebriates in reindeer antlers and we at the Dog are sick as a fucking chip. Yes, it’s Christmas time. But if you’re one of those lonely souls hoarding corporate Christmas cards sent by people you don’t know in an effort to kid yourself that you have some friends, then it’s time for us to bring a little cheer to your festive gloom with the Burglar’s Dog Bauble Collection. (More...)

On Friday 2nd November 2007, Newcastle City Council announced that, after seven long years of wrangling, George Wimpey Ltd’s plans to build a 13-storey tower block at the confluence of the Tyne and Ouseburn had been rejected. The proposed building would have resulted in the death of the celebrated river view from the Free Trade Inn pub, and buried the neighbouring Tyne bar behind a wall of concrete and glass. This decision is viewed as a victory for the 1300 people who signed a petition against the plans, and comes despite the approval of planning experts and English Heritage. Awaking on Saturday 3rd November with a very sore head and still draped in celebratory bunting, the Burglar’s Dog offers a few comments on the situation and attempts to assess the surprising decision to put the needs and views of local people ahead of those of big business. (More...)

November's feature has been delayed pending further consultation. We anticipate that a final decision will be taken on or around Friday 2nd November 2007. We can, however, at this juncture inform you that it is more than likely to include the words "Quayside", "view from the Free Trade Inn", "George Wimpey" and "13-storey tower". It is also extremely probable that there will be a more-than-liberal use of the C-word. More to follow. (More...)

Having trouble tracking down the Burglar's Dog book? Do your favourite internet stockists say 'unavailable', while your local bookshops just give you a sad shake of the head? That's because the publishing sensation and 'Best Toilet Read' of the year has completely SOLD OUT. Both print runs, an' all! Which is why - due to effervescent popular demand - the revised and updated Burglar's Dog Alternative Guide to Drinking in Newcastle upon Tyne will be released on October 15th 2007. Hell, yes. And like they did last year, publishers tonto press are running a limited edition badge offer. (More...)

It seems we upset a few of our cigarette smoking readers with our feature last month on the national smoking ban. We are truly sorry. After all, although passive smoking may give us an increased risk of lung cancer, heart disease and asthma, we’ve hurt their feelings, and that’s far, far worse. However, just to show there’s no animosity towards those poor, unfortunate, no-fault-of-their-own slaves to the weed, this month we’d like to propose a peace offering, in the shape of our patented Burglar’s Dog Smoker’s Hat. (More...)

On July 1st 2007 it became against the law to smoke in virtually all enclosed public places and workplaces in England. Pubs, bars, cafés and restaurants are now smoke-free, ensuring a healthier environment so everyone can socialise, relax, travel, shop and work free from second-hand smoke. In an in-depth feature, the Burglar’s Dog assesses the situation and analyses the problems facing smokers in the pubs of Newcastle upon Tyne. (More...)

Summer special offer! Your last chance to buy the best-selling Burglar's Dog Alternative Guide to Drinking in Newcastle! Our bronzed publishers tonto press have cycled over in shorts and flip-flops to tell us that distribution warehouses have sold out of the book, leaving the handful of copies remaining in shops as the only ones now available! Once they're gone, they're gone! (More...)

I haven't been at all well lately. No seriously, I've been proper poorly. What with the pleurisy, the pulmonary embolism, and the heavy cold, I've had a right old time of it these past few weeks. Consequently I haven't been out and about doing my usual in-depth research over the past few weeks, and so the second part of the guided walk promised last month – the "gadgies, radgies and onion bhajis" instalment – just isn't going to materialise for a while yet. Let's face it; it was a shit idea anyway. However, though my body may have been incapacitated, my mind has been hard at work, furiously making mental notes in between episodes of drugged-up delirium and the sounds of our lass stotting about the house, giving me no sympathy whatsoever. (More...)

April. British Summer Time finally begins, the nights are lighter, there's a spring in your step, and your annual insulting pay award has put another eight quid a month in your pocket. What better way to dust off the cobwebs of winter than a stroll around Newcastle upon Tyne with its dazzling city life, vibrant culture and plethora of relaxed cafés and bars. This month the Burglar's Dog gives you a guided walk around the city, highlighting some of the hidden delights as well as suggesting some of the many watering holes you'll discover along the way. (More...)

And stop saying "Begorrah", an' all. You're from Widnes, not fucking Ballymena. (More...)

March: another month, another bumper crop of unsolicited shite in the Burglar's Dog in-box. Buried amongst the Viagra spam and Hot Stock Options, we find this message from one of our casual browsers: "the chronicle says that another pub chain has gone bust i think its ur fault with ur stupid website and book. u never have anythng positive 2 say and it is ur fault that pubs are closing down why don’t u Get a life!!!!" Eh? Are you some sort of simpleton? How the fucking hell is it our fault, like? How on Earth are we to blame for bad business strategies? How can we be held responsible for the wheels coming off the rickety bandwagon? (More...)

In later editions of our Valentine's feature for February, we asked our readers to send in pictures of themselves and their paramours, together with a copy of the Burglar's Dog book that brought them so much sensual pleasure on the most romantic night of the year. Contributions simply dribbled down the legs of our in-box before arriving in a sticky mess on our bathroom carpet. As a result, and in spite of popular demand, we're resurrecting our Rogues' Gallery, this time with a star-cross'd twist, not to mention this fucking Amazon link once again. (More...)

February: that most romantic of months. Not because you actually stand more of a chance of getting owt in the sack, but because the forlorn hope, the huge expense and the inevitable crushing disappointment are the stuff of the finest Mills & Boon. February is when you feel duty bound to splash out on pathetic tat, simply because cynical marketing cunts tell you to. But we're not like that. We wouldn't tart up the Burglar's Dog Book in hearts and flowers, and desperately try to hawk the last remaining copies so our publishers tonto press can finally get back into their garage. Link? What link? You mean this one? (More...)

HAPPY NEW YEAR from the Burglar's Dog. Unless our publishers tonto press have been telling us porkies, then we expect there'll be a fair few people who unwrapped the Burglar's Dog book on Christmas morning to arse-scratching indifference. We wish to extend a warm hand to those of you who are now wondering what the fuck this shit is all about, and to use this month's feature as an opportunity to give a little back to our readers, old and new. A chance, if you will, to say Thank You by plastering YOUR face all over the computer screen. We'd like to compile a celebratory Rogues' Gallery of our readers, and we're asking you to send us a picture of yourself with the Burglar's Dog book before you join the queue in Waterstone's to take the fucker back. (More...)

The Burglar's Dog Alternative Guide to Drinking in Newcastle upon Tyne. It's up to you: give DVDs or iPods or socks or Quality Street, and your Christmas will amount to a satchel of wank. Everything you've worked towards and all your Yuletide dreams will crumble to radioactive dust. Your family will disintegrate and your pets will all die on your knee. Take this as a friendly warning. OR you can click THIS LINK to buy the Dog book and live happily ever after. That lass might even gob you off, an' all. (The one in the Santy hat. Her at the TOP of the page, man, you sick fucker) (More...)

And you thought we were making it up... Heck no. Far from being another one of our pathetic spoof adverts to fill up the feature panel on the site, The Burglar's Dog Alternative Guide to Drinking in Newcastle upon Tyne is a living, breathing, page-flapping beast of a book, and is AVAILABLE NOW, priced at a very competitive £9.99. (More...)

It contains thirteen spelling mistakes, lasts barely 200 words and has a style that would leave modern readers asking, "What the f...?". But to the experts, this coffee-stained scrap of paper found in an attic in the North East of England is of huge historical and linguistic importance... (More...)

Hello! Here we are on our Burglar's Dog summer holiday, sitting by the pool and soaking up some rays. The weather's great, the food's not bad, and we're having a brilliant time! Feet hurt! Just a quick note to say that we've been thinking of you for long enough to write some inane drivel about a place you'll never see, and to tell you that in our absence we've left you a cut out 'n' send postcard kit to play with. (More...)

World Cup Germany 2006 already, eh? Japan / South Korea seems like yesterday. Can it really have been four years since Seaman fell arse-over-tit flapping at Ronaldinho's speculative punt? My, how time flies when you're writing smug bollocks about pubs and that on the internet. We imagine that by now you'll be making your plans for the big games, plotting which bars will have the best atmosphere and the sweetest vantage points. And that's where The Burglar's Dog World Cup Special comes in. (More...)

Announcing the new and improved Burglar's Dog! We're squeaky clean and panty-fresh! After a bewildering burst of energy and enthusiasm, plus many, many hours spent supping swill in abysmal bars just so you wouldn't have to, we can now proudly say that (at least some of) this mouldy, decaying venture has been dragged out from behind the fridge and into the clean spring air. (More...)

Way back in February's Pub of the Month spiel, we touched on the notion that, mentally speaking, all was not well with the Burglar's Dog. In an unusually frank moment, we suggested that we really ought to take a good look inwards and ask ourselves: What, exactly, IS our fucking problem? (More...)

March: spring is in the air, the ducks are back in the pond, and we've no time or inclination for griping about the state of Newcastle's pubs. Instead we're giving our readers an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the Burglar's Dog review process, from the extensive, initial, ear-to-the-ground research, to our inevitable, irrefutable conclusion. (More...)

News is reaching us of a devastating humanitarian crisis - which may have lain undiscovered by the outside world for some time - in the Bigg Market province of Newcastle. Initial reports tell of a disastrous funbar, measuring 8.9 on the Phuquemerigid scale, destroying everything in its vicinity and bringing widespread misery to all in its path. Inhabitants of the area battered by this calamity - named FIZZ by locals - are being forced to drink in unimaginably squalid conditions, with the risk of disease increasing with each passing hour. We need your help to ease the anguish and the inevitable violence that routinely follows such disasters. Act now. (More...)

What's Hot & What's Not for 2006! See us reveal our scorching predictions for the drinking year ahead! Despair as we attempt to sort out the wheat from the chaff, the Moet from the meths, the shit from the shovel in another of our pathetic front page features! Read our incessant carping about the decline of pub life, and stare in disbelief at our teary nostalgia for an age that never was! Here goes... (More...)

Here we are, then. Another Burglar's Dog Christmas. Another chance for us to wish you compliments of the season, and to rant about all the fucking terrible things about drinking in Newcastle upon Tyne over the past twelve months. (More...)

It's that time of year again. There's a chill in the air, a black cloud on the horizon, and the shoddy corporate trinkets are landing on office desks throughout the land. As 2005 draws to a close, desperate organisations the world over are hawking out the promotional cack, praying for custom, and hoping that a quid's worth of stationery will buy your favour for another twelve months. And The Burglar's Dog is no different. (More...)

People say to us, they say: "Dear The Burglar's Dog. We love you and your site, but we've suddenly gone blind, dyslexic and illiterate. Even though we know you've got a review for every bar, complete with a little map with a pointer on it showing the exact location almost to the square inch of the boozer, please could you tell us where the pubs are? Thanx." (More...)

George Orwell once famously wrote that, "If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever." Had he, however, been forced to suffer what passes for entertainment - and unsolicited entertainment at that - in your average city centre bar, then we're sure his pronouncements would have ended something like this: "...imagine all human communication drowned out by some po-faced fuckwit behind a turntable." (More...)

From November 2005, the government proposes to bring the country into line with continental habits by allowing twenty-four hour drinking in England's pubs and bars. New laws will be introduced that they say will reduce binge-drinking and crime. In a frank report, The Burglar's Dog give their opinions. (More...)

Everyone needs a holiday from the daily grind, and the Burglar's Dog is no different. Each of us will be jetting off to warmer climes in the coming months, looking for relaxation, recuperation and a respite from the tacky theme bar. Be it on the sandiest of shores or in the most picturesque of cities, we'll be free from the stress, the heartache and the unrelenting tedium of this balls-achingly pointless site of ours. Let's be honest: nobody - not even pathetic losers like us - wants to spend endless hours hunched over a hot keyboard when the sun's high in the sky. Agreed? But, we'd hear you cry if we stuck a blade at your throat, what happens should a new bar open in the Dog's absence, or any contentious issue arise in the meantime? What then? Never fear: the Dog is thinking about you, always. And that's why we've devised a FREE cut out 'n' keep fridge magnet review kit to keep you occupied during the long summer months. (More...)

You know, we've been thinking; thinking about last month's Tiger Tiger piece, and about the way we only ever seem to give places a slagging whilst avoiding any mention of what we actually do like. Following a slight crisis of confidence, a much-needed reality check, and a fair few pints, we'd like to take this opportunity to redress the balance. Partly in the name of equilibrium and fairness, and partly because we're so goddamn lazy we like to milk every minor theme until the teat runs dry, we're applying the forum feedback format to the Burglar's Dog's perennial number one bar, Popolo (More...)

Tiger Tiger again, eh? Tiger bloody Tiger. And there we were, congratulating ourselves on having kept an even temper about the place, and on finding other subjects out of which to take the piss. But, like a serial killer hiding the bodies under the floorboards, it seems it's going to take more than pretending there's nowt there to stop the stench from oozing out and into the nostrils of the goodly and wise. And lookee here, what's this? (More...)

April 2005 marks the fifth anniversary of the Burglar's Dog, and to commemorate this glorious event, we are offering the chance to purchase our prestigious limited edition collectable dinner plate, produced in association with Dogmint®. Each plate features the much-loved misshapen Burglar's Dog logo, and is emblazoned with the eye-catching headline from the Barking Dog page of "sugar my arsehole and call it a doughnut" in honour of the last time the site actually did a proper gay bar review, way, way back in the year 2000. (More...)

Landlords! Do you feel that your licensed premises are not being utilised to their fullest? Are you convinced that your customers' disposable income would be better off in your pockets rather than those of the next sucker on the vine? Do you - quite rightly - despise your paying public? (More...)

Cheers for your comments. Listen, you dumb fuck, do you honestly, truthfully think we even care about what goes on in Newcastle's pubs, let alone consider ourselves experts on them? Do you seriously imagine we're trying to provide some sort of tourist service here, to muscle in on TimeOut's territory? Are you such a cheap bastard that you thought you'd do your research on two-bit web sites like ours instead of buying a proper guide book? (More...)

Things to do in 2005...And we're telling you now: none of that shit will ever get done. Apart from the extra swearing, obviously. Happy New Year. (More...)

Bugger me: is it Christmas again already? It barely seems five minutes since I was last this cold, depressed and downright fucking angry. Christmas, as we all know, is a time for quiet contemplation by the fireside, surrounded by your loved ones. You can forget about that for a start: there are open fires in four bars in this miserable no-horse town, and they're all constantly hogged by complete fucking cocks. (More...)

Need to talk? In a new feature, we present ASK THE DOG, a column that gives you the chance to ask for in-depth advice on a wide range of subjects linked to the world of drink and its many spin-off activities, such as violence, shame and regrettable sexual congress. We aim to address your problems in as frank a manner as we can, using all our understanding and training in the field of counselling, and promise to handle your queries in a sensitive manner, respecting your right to anonymity at all times. For your convenience, our team of experienced therapists is available at all hours. (Normal internet rates apply.) (More...)

Everyone has, at some point in their life, fantasised about opening their own bar. Whether it's to escape from the drudgery of the nine-to-five, to relive the easy café-bar life they experienced on their last European holiday, or to altruistically provide a place for live music that's a little different from the usual dive, we've all had the dream. But where would you start? (More...)

So I get back from me holidays, all raring to go and maybe enthusiastic enough to cobble together The Dog On Tour To Berlin for the benefit of scummers who, just like me, worship at the feet of the great god easyjet. And what awaits me on my return? A fucking broken PC, that's what. I've had the bastard in bits, jiggled and poked every available connection, and kicked it until my blisters burst, and it's still not frigging behaving itself. Life is shite in every possible way, and that's a fact. (More...)

Read the day-to-day account of one man's re-adjustment to the world following corporate restructuring and redundancy, and the awakenings that will inevitably come with this chance in a lifetime to take things a little easier for a while. Like anyone, we'd welcome the opportunity to have a little more free time, to catch up on sleep, on reading, and to partake in some of the activities that we've always planned to enjoy should we get the chance. And now, thanks to the world of big, big business, that chance will soon be here. (More...)

I can't remember which night it was for certain, but travelling home from work, across the Tyne Bridge, in a bad mood, at forty miles an hour, in the inside lane, from the wrong side of the bus, glancing past the weekend-goth schoolgirl with "attitude" and a grudge, I think I saw this: Flynns-Slice Bar-Flynns is now the Slice Bar again....

...see how fast the bastard turns. Have you ever visited any of Newcastle upon Tyne's drinking establishments? Or do you work in the city's pub trade? Two sides of the same coin, yes, but surveys published recently show that people in both categories are further united: united in contempt for misinformation; and united in the desire of finding someone to blame for their problems...

Synopsis: Over 1000 bitterly subjective pub reviews based on the authors' own petty whining, interspersed with badly-exposed photographs (most in full colour) and offensively inaccurate translation guides. Also provides space for the reader to draw their own maps, plus an HB pencil with all its lead snapped...

Welcome, one and all to the results of the Burglar's Dog Readers Poll, brought to you not, as promised, in a lavish ceremony hosted by TV's Ant & Dec, but half-heartedly by us, in our usual dreary format. We've had literally some nominations for the awards, and would like to take this opportunity to thank our readers for seeing us out of pocket to the tune of eleven quid, which we will, of course, be donating to charity. All comments have been listed anonymously to avoid embarrassment, but there's a list of our special friends at the bottom for anyone who feels we've robbed them of their glory. Oh, and the words in bold in the results are links to the reviews, so if you'd like to click a couple of them, we won't feel like we've wasted an entire day putting this crap together. ...

Christmas took you by surprise again? Not bought any cards yet? Making vague noises about giving money to charity instead? You're not alone. But worry no longer: we're here to save you the miserable £1.99 (for a pack of ten assorted designs) that you would have wasted on letting the people who love you know how much you care about them...

...Vote NOW...Vote NOW...Vote NOW...Vote NOW... As the nights grow cold and thoughts turn to the torments of Christmas shopping even though it's only frigging November, deep rooted human instinct causes us to seek shelter from the elements, to take stock of the year, and to try - against all odds - to do as little as we possibly can. As we write, the Burglar's Dog sits licking its nuts on its tatty tartan blanket, praying that this month - just for a change - someone will help it out with its life's work. What's that, you scabby hound? A Burglar's Dog Readers Poll? Why, that's just the thing to pad out the site in the dreary weeks before the Christmas special. After all, it's what every other bloody two-bit rag does at this time of year....

October: The nights are closing in, and with the onset of autumn and its twin festivities of Hallowe'en and November 5th, it'll soon be time for students to settle down and actually get some bloody graft done instead of cluttering up the bars and cafés of our fine city. Never let it be said that the Burglar's Dog refuses to extend a welcoming hand towards its academically minded brethren as they embark upon the first steps of their new lives. Just as long as they're aware that we're only trying to pull them closer to us so we can butt the fuckers squarely across the bridge of the nose, we should be able to come to some sort of understanding. Freshers' weeks traditionally encompass some sort of arsehole pub crawl-based quizzes to help new students settle in to their surroundings, so here's ours, centred on some things about life in general and Newcastle in particular that students really should have picked up on by now...

It's starting to strike us as being a little bit sinister that, of all the communication we get about the countless bars in Newcastle, Tiger Tiger seems to be top of everyone's shitlist. Why is that, we wonder? Surely it can't be the farcical entry policies. Not the block-headed stupidity of the doorstaff, though but? And we don't believe for one minute that the over-priced drinks shoddily served by special needs children and narcissistic trend-felching poseurs can have anything to do with the general ill will towards such a lovely establishment. So what is it, then? Why not add your two-penn'orth to the great Tiger Tiger debate by filling in the box at the bottom of the page and clicking that nice, stress-relieving "Send" button...?

The Burglar's Dog is delighted to announce that Wayne-o Mason has been appointed to the role of Gay Bar Reviewer with immediate effect. Wayne-o now has a key role as a member of the steering group working on the pink side of the Burglar's Dog brand strategy, and has been entrusted with this position through his long-term dedication to the company, his borderline-masochistic enthusiasm and his near-competent grasp of the English language. We would like to congratulate Wayne-o on his continued avoidance of the phrase "the Turd Burglar's Dog" and to wish him well in his new role. Let's see how long he lasts...

The May 2003 edition of the Burglar's Dog contained an article entitled Pub Of The Month: Riverside Cafe Bar, which stated that the bar situated in the Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art possessed a "pleasant setting", was "ideal", and was enough to elicit from the authors the phrase, "We like it a lot." After reviewing said article and revisiting the Riverside Cafe Bar, it has been realised that these earlier statements are unintentionally misleading, not to mention wholly untrue...

www.theburglarsdog.co.uk is a wholly owned subsidiary of Burglar's Dog Industries, which employs 29,000 people in 40 countries. In the UK it is the 3rd largest waste of web space and the industry's No.1 obscenity depository. With its unique position as an all-status brand umbrella offering this, that and the other, www.theburglarsdog.co.uk has quadrupled the size of its business in the past 2 years. As a result of this accelerated expansion, www.theburglarsdog.co.uk seeks to recruit an outstanding facilitator of gay bar reviews...

...and just in case you thought we were making it all up about Tiger Tiger and their farcical door policy, here's a short note from a gentleman from the other end of the country, sharing with us his experience of the mighty bar chain. Take it away, Gary...

Ladies and gentlemen, The Burglar's Dog is proud to present, live, tonight, under one roof, The Gate. It's a jumped-up leisure-mall, it's a cornucopia of sights and sounds, it's the circus-carny from hell. You'll see all human torment. That's right, step right up. You'll see the seven-bellied woman in the leopard-skin blouse. You'll see the barman with three haircuts on the same head. You'll see slapdash genitalia on the windows of Mood: Yessir, I knew we'd getcha on that one...

And now, the Burglar's Dog is proud to announce the winners of its 25,000th Punter Competition. For sheer effrontery, First Prize goes to Wayne Mason - Citizen Wayne to his mates - who, despite sending in his entry almost a week after the competition had closed, frightened us so much with his politely-worded yet strangely menacing message that we had to let him win. This is him:

How many people remember last November, when The Burglar’s Dog counter went from a whopping eighteen and a half thousand hits to, like, twelve? You don’t? Where were you when we were shit, as the football chant almost says? But here’s the rub: provided nothing else goes wrong, with the hits we’ve amassed since the counter broke, plus what we had before, we should be approaching our 25,000th punter some time soon. And here’s where you come in...

Well, not really, obviously, but we had to think of something to replace the sodding Valentine's card feature, which was still up a week and a half after the humiliating pantomine had finished. And since the Sunday papers always bung in a space filler like this when they can't make all the theatre adverts fit the page, or when the junior adsales rep has pissed off home sick instead of schmoozing the clients, we see no reason why we can't resort to the same tactics when we're, uh, between features. Ho hum. Normal service will be resumed as soon as we get round to it.

"Love is in the air, everywhere I look around", sang some arsewit with a feather cut, in the seventies. We know what you're thinking, though. You're thinking, "Hmm. I want to get me leg this Valentine's day, but I don't know whether the bitch / git has got me a card, and I'm buggered if I'm lining the pockets of that Purple Ronnie twat or Andrew Porksword and his "cute" fucking teddy bears if there's nothing in it for me. Oh, how I WISH there was a way out of my dilemma..."

New Year. The time when folk denounce their past weaknesses and swear to make good the sins of the last year. For all that we're pig-ugly, have breath like dogs and are hung like Chinese mice, we're human, too, so it's only natural that we should make resolutions we have no intention of keeping. Here's our list of Burglar's Dog promises that'll take us longer to type than to break.

Here's our Christmas gift to you: that deformed dog in a Santa hat. Again. What were you expecting, like? A box of chocolates? A slab of Skol? A bloody Playstation? Give over, will you...Thanks to all our readers for your support in 2002, and remember that (editorial staff adopt demeanour of over-emotional pissheads at midnight on New Year's Eve) WE...L-L-LOVE...Y-YOU. Join us in the New Year as we promise and fail to deliver such thrilling features as: The Dog 2003 Reader Survey, Celebrity Pub Crawl Part 2, Valentine's Night For The Lonely And Desperate, and the long-awaited Worst Pub Crawl Ever. It'll be magic...

Yes, yes, we KNOW we promised you the worst pub crawl ever, but come on, give us a chance, will you? We're finding it hard to put fingers to keyboards for more than twenty seconds without breaking down and sobbing, over and over again, "The horror! The horror!" Bar 42 does that to you, you know. Just be patient. As, ahem, a temporary stop gap, you might as well have a deeksie at this...

Having a rotten life? Depressed at the end of the most piss-poor summer in living memory? Is S.A.D. a very real ailment for you at this time of year? Are you worried that you're the only person around in the depths of despair? Then worry yourself no longer, as we present (*)... The Burglar's Dog Worst Pub Crawl Ever ...the guide to having the most horrendous time possible in Newcastle upon Tyne.

I've had about as much of this summer as I'm prepared to stand. Four long months I've been waiting for a bit of blue sky and a few alfresco jars, and what do I get? Dank, dismal drizzle interspersed with periods of cold, grey misery. Can you guess which dumb ass made me expect something better? Bingo: it was me, with that stupid bloody guide to summer drinking. Well, it shall taunt me no longer; I'm replacing it with The Dog on tour to the NHS, the true story of what I did this week. Oh, and just to add insult to multiple injury, our lass tells me it was scorching outside when I was flat on my back. DAMN IT.

"In the summertime when the weather is high, you can stretch right up and touch the sky," sang 70s flash in the pan and noted Fred West look-alike Mungo Jerry. Bollocks. In Britain, you get three sunny days a year, where everyone goes berserk, gets mortal outside the pub and ends up wrecking the place. And so, in anticipation, and to fill in time while the rain slowly dribbles down the windowpane like the overspill from incontinence knickers, we've cobbled together a whole load of half-baked ideas and chip-on-the-shoulder whinges to bring you: The Burglar's Dog guide to summer drinking and the fuckers who'll ruin it for you.

Boy were we excited for this one! We've managed to persuade some of the regions top talent to take us on a tour of their favourite pubs in Newcastle. In Part One we feature Jimmy Nail, who takes us down to the Quayside, and Tim Healy shows us the Grainger Market with his lovely wife Denise Welsh. Tim and Denise, the quintessential Geordie couple; and Jimmy Nail, who encompasses the three elements that are key to being from the North East: being ugly, being alcoholic, and being a cunt. Sorry, being a country music singer. Some other stars didn't quite have time to talk to us, but did leave short memories for our reproduction. Read on for Part One, and then wait with baited breath for future parts, which may feature such A-listers as Donna Air, Ant & Dec, Sting and Mike Neville.

Here at The Burglar’s Dog we were trying to think of new and challenging ways to celebrate the Christmas period and to encapsulate the true spirit of the year just gone. So we pored over almanacs, diaries and festive anecdotes, endeavouring to shape our findings into something that would bring joy to the hearts of you and yours, dear reader, while digging deep into the more esoteric recesses of the mind. And then we thought, fuck it, let’s just pretend we’re the NME, bung up some piss-poor award lists and take the month off. It’s not like anybody looks at the bloody site any more, is it? God bless us, every one.

Well, here we finally are, then: Version 2.0 of The Burglar's Dog. It's been a long time coming, what with hardware crashes, Egdell's criminal procrastination, not to mention two bastard burglaries that wiped out hours of our hard work. O, the irony. Maybe if we'd called the site something like www.thelotterywinnersdog.co.uk we'd have had more luck. The vastly improved Dog is more stuffed than a porn-queen's posterior, with literally some new features and all the old tawdry crap freshly packaged.

The Dog at the Beeb is the full, unexpurgated tale of The Burglar’s Dog’s brush with stardom, proving Warhol’s '15 minutes' maxim to be true; that is, until those po-faced fuckers 'at the top' decide to intervene. Read on for the whole sorry pantomime, and somebody fetch me the head of Paddy McDee...

The Bible says: "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly." And you can't argue with that. The Birth of the Dog is the email that started this whole thing, read it and imagine the Ride of the Valkyries playing in your head...

Newcastle upon Tyne has been voted as one of the top ten party cities in the world, and while everyone takes the piss out of Geordie girls on the pop in December wearing nowt but bikinis, that doesn’t stop the crowds from flocking in to gawp. Strangely though, nobody has ever got round to writing a comprehensive guide to all the places to drink. Until now, that is.