Spin, spin, spin the wheel of justice...

Save it for the judge...see how fast the bastard turns.

Have you ever visited any of Newcastle upon Tyne's drinking establishments? Or do you work in the city's pub trade? Two sides of the same coin, yes, but surveys published recently show that people in both categories are further united: united in contempt for misinformation; and united in the desire of finding someone to blame for their problems.

Statistics - that can be readily made up should the need arise - prove without a shadow of a doubt that www.theburglarsdog.co.uk, the self-appointed expert on drinking in Newcastle upon Tyne, is wholly and maliciously responsible for all bar closures and associated redundancies, alcohol-related violence, ruined nights out and unwanted pregnancies since its launch in 2000. Furthermore, it is proven that the Burglar's Dog has created this climate of hatred and mistrust to serve its own pathetic ends, and has failed to grasp the notion that pub-review sites should contain only concrete facts, and not be used lightly for what amounts to little more than literary masturbation.

In a belated attempt at showing some social responsibility, WE are giving YOU the chance to recoup some of the losses incurred as a result of the less-than-factual information provided on the Burglar's Dog. We would like you to take us to the cleaners, and wish for nothing more than to shell out to you for whichever quick pint, big night out or, indeed, career has been ruined by our wilful dereliction of duty. It's all our fault, and we can only apologise. And cough up.

Simply fill in the form below and whizz it off to us, safe in the knowledge that we will treat your shysterism with the respect it deserves. Please read the following information carefully before entering your details, to determine how best to go about your claim.
BUSINESS CLAIMANTS:

Perhaps you're one of those sad fuckers who believe your bar's lack of custom is down to the nonsensical rantings contained on this site, rantings that are read by literally dozens of people each day from a city with over a quarter of a million inhabitants. Perhaps you also believe that none of those people understand the concept of irony, of piss-take, or of suicide-note-as-pub-review, and you imagine that there is some sort of vicious whispering campaign afoot to cheat you out of an honest day's pay.

You are a cock.

PERSONAL CLAIMANTS:

Alternatively, perhaps you're dim enough to think that the essays on the Burglar's Dog are in any way informative, and that our bigoted opinions - based on a drunken twenty minute "review" visit - are enough of an authority around which to plan an evening's entertainment. And maybe, having read the words "fuck" and "cunt" on the first page of our site, you still expect to see accurate and up-to-date details of opening hours, drinks promotions and toilet facilities.

You are also a cock.

In either case, please let us know - in as much detail as possible - the exact nature of your complaint, including the name of the bar about which we neglected to tell the truth as you see it. Don't forget to enter a ridiculous figure in the compensation amount box, so that when we haggle you down to half that value, you'll still make like a bandit.

COMPENSATION CLAIM FORM

Claimant's full name:


Claimant's e-mail address:


City of residence:


Age Group:


In which bar / pub did the incident take place? (To help you with your fairytale, a fucking big list is provided on the left of your screen)


What was your reason for being there?


What was your position in the establishment at the time of the incident?


Please describe the full nature of your petty complaint (reference - where applicable - the utter cockrot contained in the original Burglar's Dog article.



Which of the following overall headings would summarise your complaint?



Were there any witnesses to the incident? (please factor the bribery of these liars in to your final claim)
YesNo

Were the police involved?
YesNo

If you were arrested, on what ludicrous charge was it?


What physical damages did you fake as a result of the event?


What emotional damages did you read up on and claim to have as a result of the event?


Did you have to buy any unnecessary items to compensate yourself for our poor advice?
YesNo

If so, please give details of your single most ridiculous purchase (e.g. sit-doon curry, bottle of Cristal, new frock for your lass)


In total, including all expenses, legal costs and other disbursements, how much do you reckon we owe you?


You're having a laugh, right?
YesNo

If you are claiming for loss of earnings, do you really think that we're going to take it on trust that you earned £60 an hour collecting glasses in the Dog & Parrot?
YesNo

Have you made any prior claim, either in person or in writing, against the Burglar's Dog or any of its employees or affiliates?
YesNo

If you answered "Yes" to the previous question, approximately how vehemently did they then tell you to, quote, "Kiss my shit"?


By ticking this box you agree that all information contained within this form is true, and that agents acting on behalf of the Burglar's Dog may stove your prissy little head in should any inaccuracies be later brought to light. You have no idea what statutory rights are, let alone whether ticking the box would affect them. Win or lose, you'll pay all costs.

Now click Send and wait for the shit to hit the fan.

  

On legal advice we have removed all mention of the individual who inspired this feature and original plaintiff in the Regina - Vs - Burglar's Dog case. But you know who you are. You know we know where you live. And you know that you, too, are a cock.


The Burglar's Dog in association with
Of course we're fucking not, man