Burglar's Dog Design Solutions Plc

Burglar's Dog Design Solutions Everyone has, at some point in their life, fantasised about opening their own bar. Whether it's to escape from the drudgery of the nine-to-five, to relive the easy café-bar life they experienced on their last European holiday, or to altruistically provide a place for live music that's a little different from the usual dive, we've all had the dream.

But where would you start? What would be the things you'd need to consider before you even approached the bank for your business loan? Surely there are things you need to do other than polish the wine glasses and rake in the readies. We imagine you really, really want to open a new bar but just lack the wherewithal to get your project off the ground.

And that's where Burglar's Dog Design Solutions Plc can help. We aim to provide a service tailored to your every desire to help you through the planning and design of your dream, so that you can enter the modern bar market with confidence and optimism. And we can give you the tips you need to keep up with the professionals on the scene, those skilled designers who really have their finger on the city drinker's pulse.

All new bars that have opened in the past year in Newcastle upon Tyne have been meticulously studied and all aspects of the modern pub have been carefully considered, giving us the expertise to place you in pole position with your new venture.

We will also provide a name for your establishment, individually crafted to suit your answers to the questions below. Simply click the options that most closely resemble your plans, and let us take the strain.

Please take the time to consider your answers to the questions in these ten sections for your obligation-free consultation.


     Section One: Location

The location and setting of a new bar are often crucial to its success: get these things right and the customers and their money will just flood in. To create the proper ambience for your business, you'll ideally be looking for a building with a sense of historical propriety, a tradition that cannot be bought, and character far beyond mere bricks and mortar. The site you choose could already be a bar with real local charm; or it could be a location with strong links to the area's past.

Let's assume you've already found a place that meets these essential criteria. In planning the building's heavenly makeover, how many of the original features do you plan to keep?

None of them
The troughs in the gents
A tiny bit of the facade so that you can claim to be showing respect, much in the same manner as you'd respect a grave by shitting on the headstone and pissing on the flowers
     Section Two: Colour Scheme

The colour scheme of your bar will be of paramount importance. Contemporary, complementary and sometimes controversial, the colours of a modern bar can determine the mood of your customers, and care must be taken to select the apposite hues to excel in a saturated market. Why just paint when you can impress?

Please pick two exciting colours from the extensive Contemporary BarTM range, shown here in its entirety. Remember to select one from each palette for contrast.
Hi-Fibre Diet Autumn Decay Midnight Slurry Impacted Fudge Easter Vomit
Hammered Thumb Tourniquet Twist Tainted Throb Soft Melanoma* Classic Bruise

* not available in Vinyl Silk

     Section Three: Lighting

Young love: there's nothing more gladdening to the heart. And if a meeting of kindred souls occurs in your bar, then that's a feather in your cap, not to mention a cut of the takings from the blob machine in the crappers. Which of these lighting systems will you install to bathe your customers in a warm, zit-covering glow and increase their chances of copping off?

A 40 watt bulb
A state-of-the-art rig with a total output on par with a small child's first torch
One thirteen lux neon lamp at which even the most desperate moth would scoff
     Section Three: Facilities

One-upmanship in modern bar design should stretch as far as the lavatories, don't forget. Expensive beer deserves to be micturated on expensive stainless steel, after all. You envisage the very acme of stylishness to accompany your customers' bodily functions, but what will your construction team actually provide?
An MDF-lite chest-high box that requires a seven foot distance and a finger on the prostate to reach with your golden stream
Gleaming platinum-plated taps and hand-dryers, none of which will ever work
A crotch-soaking contemporary artwork. Painted brown.
     Section Four: Drink

Modern transportation and global industry mergers have put within the bar owner's grasp a whole host of exotic beers from the four corners of the globe. Which of the following will you serve in your establishment?
Foster's
And how much will you charge per pint?
£3.50
£5.00. It says "Foster's" on the glass, though, with a pretty map of Australia.
One arm. One leg. Payable in instalments. Through the nose.
Thinking of the customer and his desire for value-for-money, what incentive will you be offering at point-of-sale?
Change on a tray
Corporate doily
Superfluous napkin that sticks to the bottom of the glass and makes the punter feel like a right tit
     Section Five: Food

Peanuts, sandwiches, lasagne and chips: all yesterday's news to the contemporary bar owner. What will you be offering to your customers from your lavish Michelin-style menu?
Alligator truffles
Braised pomegranate mash with chilli and grass
Flash-fried placenta and crushed potatoes
     Section Six: Security

Your business needs customers to thrive, and customers expect a pleasant greeting from your front-door representatives. What type of security will you employ to stop anyone getting in, ever?
Old-skool sorry-no-denims
Initially friendly butch lesbian ballcrusher
Psychopathic crack addict with a hair trigger temper and a blade up his sleeve
     Section Seven: Staffing

Recruiting the very best staff is essential: it stands to reason that the finest employees in the land would reject the chance of a cushy office job and would prefer instead to work for you like a single-parent-family carthorse, with minimal employment rights and appalling conditions, all for £3.25 an hour.

The following sentence is a typical extract from Thursday's Chronicle jobs pages.

"We are actively seeking giddily enthusiastic individuals who can display (blank) to customer service"

Which of these words would best fill in the blank in your job advertisement?
Dedication
Obsession
Psychosis

And which characteristics will your successful applicants actually show?
Indifference
Surliness
Outright hostility
     Section Eight: Your Target Market

Knowing the carefully researched demographic tastes of your desired customers gives you the edge in providing the perfect service to them. Which of these social subdivisions will comprise your target market?
Pre-club young adults with high disposable income
Acorn type C, subset 7.19, group 7
Complete helmets
     Section Nine: Exclusivity & The VIP

Your most select customers like to feel they're enjoying special privileges from the rank and file, even though they're drinking in the same bar and breathing the same filth from the same air conditioning. What will you provide to cater for their elitist whims?
A roped-off VIP area
A DNA-testing entry pad
Cold War spy exchange, like in fucking Germany circa 1963
     Section Ten: Music

All bars need to find the right mix of sounds to cater for all tastes and for people from all walks of life. But over and above this, you're going to need that special something to draw in the creme-de-la-creme of partygoers. Which "sounds" will you focus on to make you stand out from the crowd?
Wallpaper soul and R&B
Indistinguishable chilled-out beats
Panpipe Bossa Nova
Your DJ is one of the most important people in your bar. After all, who else in the place has the innate skill required to play other people's records one after the other, and the self-assurance to believe that this talent makes them a superstar musician. What kind of disc jockey are you looking for?
Some skinny mammy's boy with an autistic knowledge of Marvin Gaye b-sides
A jumped up chancer who'd staple his own mother to a four-to-the-floor beat if he thought it'd get him top billing on a roadside flyer
A hollering cretin who waits until the floor is knee-deep in bowel evacuations before realising that volume can go down as well as up
Terms & Conditions

Please read the following terms and conditions before submitting your form.

By clicking the link at the bottom of this page you are confirming that you are hopelessly optimistic, have absolutely zero understanding of the law of diminishing returns, and are prepared to file for bankruptcy before the end of the year. You also confirm that you blame the following for your imminent failure in business:

The government
The breweries
Al Qaeda
Two-bit review websites such as The Burglar's Dog
Anyone and everyone except yourself

Let us name your bar

If you accept our terms as outlined above, the please click here to allow our dedicated electronic database to process your application and carefully select a name for your bar that will make you the envy of the drinking scene.

The results will appear in a new window shortly.

Feel free to click the link again if you think our choice of name is unsuitable for your bar. There will be no additional charge for this extra consultation.

Good luck with your new venture.
Burglar's Dog Design Solutions

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