The Burglar's Dog Readers Poll: THE RESULTS

Ant & Dec: They wanted two hundred grand for a night's work. We told 'em to shove it, on your behalf.

Ant & Dec: bottlers

Welcome, one and all to the results of the Burglar's Dog Readers Poll, brought to you not, as promised, in a lavish ceremony hosted by TV's Ant & Dec, but half-heartedly by us, in our usual dreary format.

We've had literally some nominations for the awards, and would like to take this opportunity to thank our readers for seeing us out of pocket to the tune of eleven quid, which we will, of course, be donating to charity.

All comments have been listed anonymously to avoid embarrassment, but there's a list of our special friends at the bottom for anyone who feels we've robbed them of their glory. Oh, and the words in bold in the results are links to the reviews, so if you'd like to click a couple of them, we won't feel like we've wasted an entire day putting this crap together.


Ponciest bar   


  1. Apartment: "Jesus, where do I start? The roaring fire DVDs? The farcical VIPs-behind-the-rope policy? The fucking bongos? I'd like to see every single arsehole who spent £200 on so-called exclusive membership tarred and feathered and brought before me in chains. And it's EIGHTY QUID for New Year's Eve."
  2. Tiger Tiger: "Remember kids, it's never too late to vent your spleen on the Tiger Tiger Complaints Board."
  3. Coco.V: "How can it be anything other than utter cockrot with a name like that?"



Rudest doormen    


  1. Powerhouse: "Asking what gay mags I read to prove I'm a queer indeed."
  2. Tiger Tiger: "Be fair on the fucking fat oafs, though. It's clearly company policy to act like a complete cunt."
  3. Most obviously sarcastic answer of the year: "N/A - they're all lovely."



Smelliest toilets   


  1. Dog & Parrot: "The bogs upstairs are the filthiest crappers known to man or beast. And them pretending the light is broken and making you dodge the piss puddles in the dark is just one more kick in the balls. Sort the fuckers out, you dirty bastards."
  2. Luckies: "Or as it's now known, Pikies..."
  3. Balmbra's: "Tabs, chewa, bog roll: these are the things you expect to see in the trough. Three broken pint glasses at two bells on a Saturday afternoon: less so. It's a good job it was cold in there, or I'd have cut my bobbies helmet to ribbons."



Most over-priced drinks   


  1. Barluga: "Have they broken the five-pound-pint barrier yet? I've had drinks bought for me in Barluga and still felt ripped off."
  2. Chase: "Utter swill at second mortgage prices. If it wasn't for the blart in there you wouldn't see me for dust."
  3. Zinc: "Even with its two for one machine, a travesty, though I guess when you only have eight customers you have to get money somehow."



Most flaptastic   


  1. Chase: "Crawling with it. And they're all thick as absolute fuck, too. Jackpot!"
  2. "It's a toss up between the Head of Steam and the Telegraph. Or the Irish Centre for that dashing red-nosed geriatric look."
  3. We find this hard to believe, but third place goes to Lloyds at the Gate. That's the fucking Keel Row, for those not up on their leisure brand names. And that's why democracy is a joke.



George & Dragon Memorial "Biggest Shithole" award   


  1. Pig & Whistle: "Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1699. What a fucking feal-bitten, plague-ridden, sticky-floored dump. They dug Saddam Hussein out of a better place than this."
  2. Duke of Northumberland: "I wasn't expecting a palace or anything, but it's beyond belief in there. Next time I'm caught short I'm just going to piss up Safeway's window: at least then I'll only be splashing about in my OWN wee.
  3. The Lodge: "Celebrity owners, expensive refit and it's still a bloody tip. I boycott works nights out just to avoid it."



Highest density of punchable customers   


  1. Buffalo Joe's: "Hello. D-don't I work with you? Fancy a fuck? It's a modern-day bordello, and it makes me seethe. Lots of wood, though, so it should burn pretty easily."
  2. Tiger Tiger: "Anyone prepared to kow-tow to their door policy should be punched in the face until the end of time."
  3. The entire Gate. "I'm just begging for a 'loner' to go all Hungerford on their Evisu ass."



Most irritating pub gob-shite   


  1. Spike Rawlings in The Duke: "Warm-hearted. Tolerant. Amusing. Cheerful. These are just some of the words that cannot - under any circumstances - be applied to the man I believe to be local so-called 'comedian' Spike Rawlings, resident bore in the Duke of Welly on a Sunday afternoon. You can see him at the bar when there's a match on Sky, shouting his mouth off about whatever springs to his feeble mind. On and on he spouts, oblivious to the fact that he couldn't tell the difference between a wank and Wednesday, while a handful of his hangers-on cream their ironed jeans to be in the presence of such a mighty character. Best time to see him in action? Look for the match with the most 'darkies' playing, and watch him boil. Shit-thick racist cunt."
  2. "You get some freaky scum wandering from piss alley into Intermezzo."
  3. "Manageress of the Keel Row, for calling us 'Fenian twats' which she ascertained from our Celtic tops, the bigoted old fucking rat-bag. Our fault for drinking in the Gate, though, I suppose."



Most noticeable celebrity on the piss   


  1. Nikos Dabizas: "You couldn't fail to spot Nikos Dabizas in Revolution at half twelve in the morning on the day after all that Woodgate speculation swept through the town. God he looked depressed."
  2. "Timmy Mallet (how, why?) sited in the Bigg Market over December. Mind you, it might just have been that fat dickhead lookalike who dances in the Vault before the match. 'Timmy! Pull yer fucking pants up!' And then fuck off home. And stay there.
  3. "Kelly Brook outside Caffe Paradiso."



Pub with the easiest quiz machine   


  1. Balmbra's: "Many's the afternoon when me and our lass have spent hours losing and winning the same quid on The Royle Family. It hides the fact that our lives are empty and we no longer have anything to say to each other."
  2. "N/A - They're all bastards."
  3. "I'm thick as owt, so they're all rock."



Bar into whose ashtray you'd like tipped your cremated remains   


  1. The Duke: "I'd have it as a non-negotiable clause in my will that the Duke's lovely blonde barmaid with the fantastic jubblies would have to transfer my remains from the urn to the ashtray. A combination of freaky air-conditioning and interference from beyond the grave would then cause my ashes to pour, not into the stinking Tetley dish, but twixt the bosoms of the underdressed minx, compelling her to give my man-dust such a whacking off as it never received in my earthly existence. Her shock, her embarrassment and - let's be honest here - the overwhelming sensation in her lady parts would cause her to declare the Duke an open house for the evening, guaranteeing me a posthumous award of Freeman of the City, plus a bag of porky scratchings for consumption in the next life. I expect my instructions to be carried out to the letter, and I have made provision in my will to buy the barmaid a new top, up to the value of £8.99 in H&M."
  2. Popolo: "Except between 4:30-6:30 when you get the post work crowd who are all knobs"
  3. Lord Collingwood: "I fancy a peaceful afterlife, so you can tip me into theirs. It's not like they'll disturb me by actually emptying the bastards."



Funniest thing seen in a pub this year   


  1. "Young, once attractive, women with mullets. And some tart flashing her cellulite and big pink panties in Balmbra's."
  2. "The 'happy hour' signs. Who the hell is happy at paying £2 for a shot?"
  3. "All stag dos who wander into Twist straight (no pun intended) from the Jury's Inn. Their collective faces are a picture as the truth dawns..."



Worst pint   


  1. Head of Steam: "The finest selection of quality pilsners from across the globe, all served warm, flat and tasting of diesel."
  2. Destination: "I don't mind them changing the barrel. I do mind them boiling it afterwards."
  3. Hoegaarden, anywhere. "Like drinking from a vase of dead lillies. With piss."



Song you wish they'd stop playing / remove from jukebox   


  1. Fat Man Scoop: "You're not striking a liberating blow for large people, mate. You're a ton of unsightly blubber and your song's fucking shite."
  2. "Everything by Pop Idol karaoke fuckpuppets, and anything remixed from the 80s."
  3. "Just shoot the DJs, it would be easier and more humane (for the punters)."



Most embarrassing pub makeover   


  1. "Flynns, no Slice Bar, no wait Flynns again - blink and you missed it (that'll be 100k you daft fuckers!)"
  2. Pop!: "If you run this stupid poll thing next year, I'll be slagging Pop! again when it's called something else."
  3. "Why did they bother redoing the Lodge? It was shit before and it's shit now."

The following nice people rock our world: Paul Elphinstone, Darren Hubbard, Andy MacLellan, Graeme Paterson, Citizen Wayne-o Mason, John Bell, Gorgeous Jayne Clough. Thanks also to Peter Allan for sending us a blank form.

As for the rest of you, you had your chance and you blew it.