So I get back from me holidays, all raring to go and maybe enthusiastic enough to cobble together The Dog On Tour To Berlin for the benefit of scummers who, just like me, worship at the feet of the great god easyjet. And what awaits me on my return? A fucking broken PC, that's what. I've had the bastard in bits, jiggled and poked every available connection, and kicked it until my blisters burst, and it's still not frigging behaving itself. Life is shite in every possible way, and that's a fact.

As a temporary measure, and to fill up the space until I can get my shit together, the features page will be showing THIS abominable picture that I did when I was under the influence of the dentist's laughing gas. I was hoping to never have to show this to anyone, but needs must and all that. It's shocking, but I do apologise.

Oh, and as for Berlin, I'll tell you now: everywhere you go, all the traditional bar fittings are being replaced with deep browns and purples, subdued orange lighting, and laid-back beats. Sound fucking familiar? Fair breaks my heart, it really does.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Technology, meanwhile, can kiss my sweaty butt-crack.