Landlords! Do you feel that your licensed premises are not being utilised to their fullest? Are you convinced that your customers' disposable income would be better off in your pockets rather than those of the next sucker on the vine? Do you - quite rightly - despise your paying public? You should. After all, the ungrateful bastards are wiping their expensively-shod muddy feet all over your floors and are clearly making no contribution to the thruppence a week it costs you to power your state-of-the-art lighting system. True, you've already forced these vermin to pay over the odds for your bland, gassy lager, but what about when they feel the urge to answer nature's call? Are there no further opportunities for pocket picking? Can you be sure that the potential for ripping the piss out of your clientele until they squeak is maximised? The Dog In The Bog has the answer.

We firmly believe that the average customer is completely incapable of even the rudiments of cleanliness, and requires assistance, guidance and necessary force to wash, dry, buff, scent and massage their hands, body and face to your exacting standards before re-entering your drinking area. We will not hear of the lower orders of society spreading harmful bacteria throughout your lavish establishment, of these heathens traipsing through your corridors unfragranced, or of their having passed water without experiencing the wildest of beatings with a scrubbing brush.

With The Dog In The Bog, you can be sure that your tipsy and bewildered customers will be so intimidated by the over-attentive, leering, presumptious berks we will subcontract to pounce on them the very second they've shaken the drops off, that they'll willingly part with their hard-earned cash simply to avoid further embarrassment. Allow us to carefully select your perfect toilet attendant from our register of lapsed-conviction repeat offenders, with the guarantee that all will be proficient in both the half- and full-Nelson. Why not sign up for our obligation-free demonstration and watch amazed as our representatives indiscriminately splash around the very latest genuine fragrances - like Brut, Blue Stratos, Denim and Creosote - purchased fresh from the Quayside market each Sunday morning and forced upon your resentful customers before the hooky labels peel off. Marvel at just how much pointless shite and how many half-empty bottles of dubious content can be unloaded from a single tatty Head bag and spread along your designer fittings.

All our agents receive special training in financial processing, and are willing to accept most recognised forms of payment for their unsolicited manhandling, such as cash, cheque, Visa, and punch in the fucking mouth. We guarantee that our employees have zero understanding of the word "no", and will have the agility to trap even the most determined of dodgers. Their knowledge of perfumery will know no beginning, and their reluctance to get out of the bloody way will remain unsurpassed in the industry. And for that extra-personal touch, every day each of our attendants will lovingly attach a fresh, hand-picked pubic hair to the nasty white soap of your choosing for no extra charge.