The Burglar's Dog Alternative Guide to Drinking in Newcastle upon Tyne: Hilarious, angry, perceptive, foul-mouthed, bitter and above all honest, The Burglar's Dog is far and away the best book ever written about drinking in Newcastle upon Tyne. With nearly 300 pages of exasperation and comedy bile, this book tells it like it is about each and every bar in the city, and throws in a few side-swipes at celebrities, corporations and even crows. Much more than a guide to Newcastle, The Burglar's Dog is recommended to anyone with a bee in their bonnet about... well, anything, really. Nice pictures, too. Astonishing stuff.

Don't believe us? Then just look at some of the quotes we've taken out of context:

"An incredibly funny, read-bits-out-to-your-mates,   statement of truth" - Robert Meddes, The Crack "Vitriolic" - Coreena Ford, Sunday Sun "Every review in this book is hilarious" - Claire Dupree, NARC. "Had me in stitches" - Andrew Watson, Upfront "Beautifully written, and it's very, very funny" - Ian Robinson,  BBC Radio Newcastle "Refreshing" - Thomas Bagnall, NEON "Weighty and well researched tome" - Peter Dixon, Informer "Expletive-spliced" - Tony Henderson, The Journal "It's not up to much, is it?" - Ian Carlton, Gateshead Libraries

Amazon pissing you off? The book is also available from these festive outlets:

It's up to you: give DVDs or iPods or socks or Quality Street, and your Christmas will amount to a satchel of wank. Everything you've worked towards and all your Yuletide dreams will crumble to radioactive dust. Your family will disintegrate and your pets will all die on your knee. Take this as a friendly warning. OR you can click THIS LINK to buy the Dog book and live happily ever after. That lass might even gob you off, an' all. (The one in the Santy hat. Her at the TOP of the page, man, you sick fucker)

Thank you for shopping with us this Christmas.

Featuring over 150 reviews, a spattering of furious features, exclusive new pictures of that damned dog in ever-more ridiculous fancy dress, and printed on crisp, white pages, this mighty anthology has all the anger and spite you've come to expect from The Burglar's Dog... without the internet eyestrain.

Why not:

•   Hide it under your mattress like a dirty magazine

•   Read it and pittle yourself on the bus to work

•   Pop it in your lunchbox as one of your 5-a-day

Just look at the size of it, man. Nearly 300 pages! Prop up a table leg? You could build a bloody two-storey extension with this compendium of curmudgeonly carping, and still have enough left to knock together an all-year barbecue. And with Christmas just around the corner, this handy stocking filler will leave you with one less what-to-buy headache in the festive rush. It's a win-win situation!

Check out these promotional photos, taken for us by the ghost of Henri Cartier-Bresson:

Lordy, it's really real!		Exclusive daft pictures!
Ironic celebrity dismissal!		300 pages of bile!
Gratuitous trompe l'oeil!		Large print obscenities!
Barcode!		Fuck aye!