| Dog Pals |
Dog Pals is our links section, and something
that's been a long time coming. Some of these sites contain links to The
Burglar's Dog, and to them, we'd like to apologise for the delay in
reciprocating. The rest of you are arseholes. Just wanted to clear that up. And,
yes, we know the pun is unforgivably appalling - it only beat Dog Chums on the flip of a coin - but YOU try and come up with
something better...
If you've got a site you want listed here then just pop us an email, we'll have a look and stick you a link. You don't have to reciprocate - we'll just slag you behind your back and maybe hex your car's brakes if you don't - but if you do want to, then feel free to click here and use any of the little banner type link things we've made to do so.
The newish kid on the block, and therefore less likely than the rest to have been crushed by the sheer futility of its task, newcastlepubs.tk takes the guesswork out of planning a night out in Newcastle by concentrating on the places you really don't want to go. Justifiably angry, reasonably unreasonable and above all enthusiastic, they can take the Dog's crown any time they want. I'll post the fucker to them myself.
True Faith, the top-notch Newcastle United fanzine: A5, full colour, hardly any adverts at all, professionally designed and laid out, has proper photos from all the games NUFC plays in, and is 64 pages of angst, wild speculation, fretting and poisonous invective.
As well as their usual collection of jakeys, skivers and gob-shites, they've now recruited some new bright-eyed and bushy tailed comrades who they aim to reduce to quivering wrecks by the end of the season with impatient demands for copy, threats to family members and the kidnapping of small furry household pets until the editor gets what he wants. They've also signed up a pretty talented cartoonist this season, which can't be bad.
Read the highlights online, or better still shell out a couple of quid for the printed version. It'll keep them going and give you something to distract you from wanting to knife the rowdy charvers on the bus home from the match. You can't lose.
Christ alone knows how we got roped into plugging this one. Maybe because they asked nicely. Or maybe because they asked nicely after getting us rat-arsed and vulnerable of a Saturday night AND after showing us some photos of us and that damned goat.
Perfect for those "Bloody Tiger Tiger! Those sodding bouncers! Who the fuck do they thi...ooh! Cake!" moments, Vallum House pride themselves on the care taken with each individual design, and win the "Most Unlikely Link From A Vulgar Pub Review Site" award hands, knees and boomps-a-daisy down. Best not let our lass know we've pimped a cake maker, mind. The dumb bint will turn this into a page full of kitten sites. Aw.
NB: The so-called "adult" section features not a whiff of T&A. Nor F. Nor big, hairy baals. Shame.
www.thegeneralseyes.co.uk
David from thegeneralseyes says: "www.thegeneralseyes.co.uk is a zany 'satirical' site written by me which is ostensibly an excuse to hurl juvenile insults at celebrities, make stuff up and swear lots, masquerading as a compendium of top five lists. It's nowt special to be honest, but it makes me and about a dozen other people chuckle so it's at least the second best Newcastle-based cynical ranting site on the net (Did you get that?)."
For his politeness, his honesty and his pathological need to swear about stuff - something we understand all too well - we're giving this man and his site the link he deserves. Calling Courtney Love "a cross between Joan Rivers and a clown's ghost" helps, too.
Bob Mouser's site is about Alnwick, and is our
only Dogpal that doesn't involve Newcastle - apparently there is a rest of the
world - but it's so funny that it's going on the list. Plus he gave us a
massive link.
Here's an extract from his site:
"Olde Cross (aka
Dirty Bottles) strange story about bottles: a Victorian Landlord put them in
window (why?) and dropped dead and it is said that if anyone ever touches them
then they'll die too. So no one has touched them since. It's perfectly true, of
course. But since you don't have to go inside to see the bottles; it's a bit of
a loser as profit boosting gimmicks go. But then that's not why the legend grew
up, of course.
"Click here if you want to join the growing number
of people to send me an e-mail to tell me that they know that the bottles were
moved at some point in the 1970s."
I have to point out that 'clicking
here' in the above opens a new e-mail to the author with the subject line
"Pointless correction because I have missed the irony about the Dirty Bottles.
Do try and be less subtle in future for people like me." How brilliant is
that?
Oh, and you have to read this page, dedicated to a
heckler - oh how I wish we'd thought of that:
"This is
an independent guide to the pubs of Newcastle Upon Tyne"
Although I'm
sure A. Weir isn't going to like this, I think his site is like the serious
equivalent of The Burglar's Dog - for people who need to know whether a pub has
baby changing facilities, and when happy hour is, and if the menu specifies if
meals 'may include nuts.' The site is very PC - his review style is like Sid
Little to our Eddie Large.
This is what they had to say about Kiss:
"A large fun bizarre pub which is part of the Ultimate Leisure group,
and has fun style furnishings throughout. This comprises of ropes, fireplaces
and broken mirrors on the walls. Loud music on play."
... and Ram Jams
has an area that "can accommodate up to 50 persons."
and of each of the gay bars near the Centre for Life: "Toilets are small and clean."
You see, we wouldn't have made a toilet inspection in a gay pub for fear of,
well... you know.
