Mark Jones

Pretentious wanker Mark Jones took up criticism to disguise his lack of talent for anything else, and because he is genetically incapable of doing, thinking or feeling anything positive. He’s the one responsible for the most of the words and all of the images on the Burglar's Dog; his general rule of thumb is that anything non-technical you think is good was done by him, and all the shit content is Egdell's doing. That's really what he's like. Despite his tragic ex-Goth vampire past, Mark is usually to be found in the pub in the afternoon, sitting in the window, sunning himself like a lizard on a rock. If you feel the need to take him to one side to discuss what he said about your lass, then he’s pretty easy to spot: just look for the sour faced, shifty-looking bastard with the comedy eyebrows who's throwing a massive tantrum about some petty injustice. Or, he'll be dropping quid after wasted quid into the quiz machine, vainly trying to show the fucker who's man. Tit.

John Egdell

Slightly less pretentious but incontinently name-dropping John Egdell is the technical genius behind the Burglar's Dog, despite his if-it-ain't-working-it's-YOUR-fault work ethic. Currently on an extended break from heavy Dog duties due to nervous debility and anxiety, he nonetheless represents the smiling public face of the corporate structure, and can often be found basking in the praises of work for which he has little or no responsibility. John skilfully manages to balance his minister without portfolio role with that of being Newcastle's quietest musical act, and can frequently be seen of an evening being drowned out by a mouse's fart in one of the city's premier venues. He's the scruffy weasel playing the comedy fun-size guitar with FELLING written on it, trying meekly to convince the ladies in the front row that he's the motherable sort. The ladies have thus far remained firmly unimpressed. John lists his hobbies as the theatre, fine wines, reading and cross-stitch. John Egdell is a goddamned liar.